The long road less traveled...

After a long summer I realize several things...first I have not kept up on this blog as I originally planned...I still feel almost just as lost as I did at the beginning of the summer...I have learned a lot, most of which did not come from a book or a website (but a lot of what I did read was backed up by real life experiences. That was a very long sentence.

As I prepare to leave for a conference on Tuesday, my reality has changed a lot since I sat down to start this blog at the beginning of the summer. I sat down in May thinking this will be easy...yes it is hard to find information, but maybe if I look hard enough I will find it. Easier said than done. It is very difficult to find information...I have been reminded of this at every turn and every new point of information, even when speaking to vocations directors...they don't know what to say about the vocation. So what is it really...

What I have found this summer is that the Single Life is an intentional choice. It is not something taken lightly, or the result of not being able to find a partner (though it may seem that way sometimes). This vocation can bring great joy, but it also carries with it a feeling of sadness and loneliness, (usually in those times when one is not serving but is reflecting). And this vocation can be played out in many different ways, just as each person's life and vocation is different...so is every vocation to the single life. Single life does not mean eternally single, but it can mean that you never will marry. The single life is a way in which an individual serves the Lord, in a way that brings that person an indescribable happiness that is often difficult to convey to others. Those around you can't understand why you would be doing what you are doing...but something about it feels right, even if you never saw yourself doing it, but you still press on finding joy in the littlest of things. For me one of the smallest places I find joy is the changing of a light bulb; seemingly insignificant but after 4-5 light bulbs if the first few hadn't been changed others would start to notice that it was growing darker...one light bulb will can change the feel of a room.

I apologize if this post seems ranty or jumbled...basically this is me spitting out what I have run through this summer and trying to get it all off my chest. This summer has not been easy, it has been very difficult to truly open myself to discernment of the single life. At points I feel like I probably could live the single life and be very happy, but at several points this summer I have asked myself why I even consider the single life and if I would ever be able to "give up" the married life vocation. I still maintain that I am heavily discerning between the two, some days I just lean farther one way than the other. Discernment is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I hope and pray that in the end it is worth it. Through the storm I will travel to find the calm waiting for me. The struggle now will prepare me for my future vocation...not saying I will be an expert...and the life to come.

The long and narrow road...

I am learning more and more that the single life would be the much easier path for me. There are so many decisions that I want to make that would allow me to step forward in life...decitions that I would not be able to make attached to someone else. However, these decisions don't neccesarily cut out a future with a spouse. I continue to waver back and forth on which way to lean. I believe that the single life is one of the most difficult vocations to discern. First of all the most popular vocation, marriage, is the social norm and many do not understand/may even nudge you to keep looking for that future spouse...they're out there somewhere. Second, as a single you are still attracted to looking for a spouse, girls and guys don't stop looking cute when you commit yourself to the single life. Thirdly, not many people know about the single life as a vocation...even vocations directors have trouble explaining what it entails, or may not even bother with it if they don't sense that you have interest in the religious life, this can make the search even more frustrating....many play it off as not really being a legitamate vocation.

So we continue to discern, and try to find what it is that God has in store for us. What does he want to offer to us? Why does it sometimes feel like abandonment and loneliness? One day his plan will be revealed, until then prayer and discernment is what we have to lean on.